do you ever get the feeling that the story’s too damn real and in the present tense

or that everybody’s on the stage and it seems like you’re the only person sitting in the audience?

Some deep thoughts over at Shemyaza’s place, and a direct question to me which I will attempt to answer.

But first I’d like to thank Shem for – much like Avery did a while back – articulating so precisely the things I’ve been thinking about Neurocam.

Specifically:

The more you know - the less you suddenly feel you can say online. What an ingenious control method. It also highlights an interesting quality within the human condition when an opportunity for expose of (perceived) truth must be balanced against the possibility that one is only holding the rear leg of an elephant, and that there is so much more to find before one can say for sure that it is an elephant. Do you risk it all for some half assed glory from a bunch of keyboard jockeys engaged in their own conspiracy fantasy, or do you persevere for your own reasons because you are experiencing something genuine in the unveiling, whether it be a new way of thinking, seeing, observing - and do you deny this opportunity to others?

 And:

Another element is the roles we paint ourselves into, or are we manipulated into them?

I highlight these passages because they speak so directly to the questions posed to me by Shemyaza:

Dear Lady J - you have become the Neurocam Operative Den Mother. How has this affected your Neurocam experience?  As the hub for Operatives worldwide and the crossroads where the Neurocam Devils taunt and tempt - have you now become a critical part of the Neurocam machinary? Can management afford to progress you past particular level, with the possible result being that you are no longer in the position of asking the intersting hypothetical questions, stirring speculation and discussion because you know too much?

Really just the first question is directed at me. The second two can only be answered by Neurocam management. But I’ll share my thoughts on all three, and try not to devolve into a navel-gazing pityfest. I've been experiencing some weird sort of reverse-chronology PMS this week, so please bear with me.

I have felt shut out of a lot of what’s been going on with Neurocam. At the same time, I’ve been annoyed and disappointed by the continued amateurish attempts at sandbox hijacking by robinhelync/unowwhoiam/luther-king. And to a certain degree, especially since Avery published the essay referenced above, I’ve lost my enthusiasm for chasing down the “details” of Neurocam – the names and addresses and stock exchanges that seem to add up to a whole lot of nothing. I have continued a rather lackluster pursuit of some of these avenues, but they don’t seem to be leading anywhere. And they won’t, until and unless the people who hold whatever secrets may exist decide that those secrets need to be revealed – partially, fully, or in some distorted manner. I don’t expect said secrets to arrive on my doorstep in giftwrap, but I also feel like the ball is currently (and has been for some while) in the court of my sources. Am I meant to push harder? I don’t know. Perhaps I will. Maybe some follow-up is required.

So what is my current role within Neurocam, and how is that affecting my future role(s)? I do feel as if I’ve bumped up against a chilly, silent glass ceiling. I don’t know why this has happened. Because I don’t ask enough questions of management? Because I’ve slowed my investigations of the organization through external sources? Or because my blog is relatively high profile? I’m willing to own the first two, but I feel any impact on my experience resulting from the latter is unfair. (Heh, because life is so fair.) I’ve refrained from publishing certain sensitive bits of information, both – as Shem writes about – for my own benefit and for the benefit of others who would gain more from discovering this information themselves. But I do offer a place to ponder the more overarching questions of the Neurocam experience, which I think is valuable and I know has been enriching for me. How extreme does Neurocam intend to be about shutting out blogging operatives from certain elements of participation, and are they necessarily making the right decision?

And now that I have publicly called into question the decisions of Neurocam’s upper management, I will most surely never hear from them again. Except perhaps for a nasty dismissal note.

Sigh.

(And as you can see, the quality of my writing goes downhill like a fat kid on a sled when I can't think straight...)

Comments

[Elmo Oxygen]

I think Shemyaza is pretty apt in the "den mother" description, if only because Lady J knows when to kick the runts out of the litter.

[Aphex'sTwin]

Hate to break these deep thoughts but...

http://robinhely.com now has:
roygbiv3447

Roygbiv is the name of a song by "Boards Of Canada", who are on the same record label as Aphex Twin. Interesting as a song by Aphex Twin, "Come To Daddy", was featured in the Traverse trailer.

Perhaps Mr Hely quite likes IDM music?

[Luher-King]

I am disappointed that you have yet to sample my Blog Lady J, I presume you received my attempt to contact you?

-M.King-

[Simon Moon]

roygbiv

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